Everything about babies is smaller and cuter than their adult counterparts. Tiny little toes, tiny little yawns, the list goes on. My infant son Grayson bucks this trend in one disgusting area, his giant sized farts. Given a babies miniature stature you would expect it to pass cute little unicorn toots and for said toots to smell like rainbows and cinnamon. Not with Grayson. This kids farts are louder than a 747 and smell like despair and sadness mixed with day old cafeteria meatloaf. My wife has taken to calling them Manfarts™. This is in no way meant to be sexist or imply that woman don’t fart. I’m married so I’ve known about the heinous beef rips that woman are capable of for quite some time. No, Manfarts™ just seems like the most appropriate label for Grayson’s flatulence as he sounds like a full grown man when he farts.Let me tell you, the juxtaposition of a 13lb baby sounding and smelling like a 45yr old with an twitchy colon is quite disconcerting to say the least.
The other thing about my son’s farts is the force with which they tear through his body. If Grayson is on your lap or in your arms and he breaks wind, the sheer vibration that comes from his hind region will have you leaping for the diapers and wipes. Nine times out of ten though we will check his diaper assuming that Mt. Assuvias has just erupted only to find a that the diaper is as white as the pure driven snow. It’s gotten so bad that my wife now has to ask “Was that you or him?” every time she hears a fart (by the way, even when it’s not him “it’s him”). Now at this point you are probably wondering what we are feeding the poor kid. The answer is nothing but breast milk. I assume that what his mother eats can effect what goes into the breast milk but it’s not like she’s eating mexican everyday. No I think we were just
cursed blessed with a gassy baby.
I’m sure someday Grayson will grow into his farts even if now they are comically big for him. I don’t really blame him for all the farts either. The poor kid usually goes anywhere from three to five days without having a bowel movement. Our doctor told us that breastfed babies use so much of what’s in the breast milk that they can sometimes go up to ten days without pooping. So even if it is normal that has to suck, and if I was walking around with a belly full of boom boom for days on end, you best believe I’d be dropping F(art)-Bombs all over the place. So I can definitely sympathize.
I apologize for the crude direction that this post was taken in but child rearing is a dirty business and no one really talks about the gross stuff, like Manfarts™ so that’s what I’m here for. All you other parents out there can relate to this stuff even if you wish you couldn’t. Children are cute, but also gross as hell.
I’m going to try to trademark Manfarts™ by the way so no one steal it.