Please Stop Throwing Up – An open letter to my infant son

My baby spits up. A lot. Every time he eats, 88% of the milk eventually ends up on my shirt, on his shirt, on his mother’s shirt, on the bed, on the pillow and everywhere else he may be. We looked it up because at first it freaked us out . Turns out that we have what’s known as a “happy spitter” on our hands. Apparently, as long as the baby doesn’t seem bothered by his vomiting or in any pain then he’s fine and we just have to deal with it. And that’s fine. I knew having a baby was a lot of work. But when you have to change the baby’s outfit three times a day (not an exaggeration) it starts to get a little annoying. In fact the only reason that I slept in a milk stained t-shirt, and milk covered fleece pajama bottoms last night was because I was so sick of changing I just said screw it and decided to change in the morning.
That sound disgusting to you? If it does you either don’t have kids, or aren’t the parent who spends the majority of time with your kids. Trust me, you eventually become so worn down that you don’t care how you look or when the last time you washed was, you just become numb to hygiene. I love my son to death but he is without a doubt the grossest kid I have ever met. I would liken him to a human Garbage Pail kid. Maybe Pukey Pete? Vince Vomit? Seriously, it’s nasty. And a side effect of that whole “happy spitter” thing is that it always comes without warning. He will be smiling one second and then *myahhh* he just opens his mouth and the milk starts flowing. The smile doesn’t even disappear. I just don’t know what to do. Would you believe that the wife said sewing his mouth shut was a no no? That’s the only logical conclusion I came to too. Oh well. I guess I just keep doing laundry twice a day and praying that my son will soon stop his barrage of vomitus projectile milk.

Pictured here in a rare puke free moment.

Pictured here in a rare puke free moment.

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