The Newborn Part 1: Fun With Body Fluids!

So you’ve just had a new baby, congratulations! I didn’t know you enjoyed bathing in a mixture of regurgitated milk , shit and piss. What’s that you say? You don’t enjoy bathing in those things, and how dare I cast such aspersions on your character? Calm down there sailor, I’m just doing you a public service based on my own recent experiences with a newborn baby boy.
The one thing nobody seems to prepare you for is the amount of fluids that will be coming out of this demon-spaw- I mean precious angels various orifices. Oh, you know about dirty diapers, you’ve heard stories about baby’s throwing up at inopportune times but trust me, you don’t fully grasp the regularity with which your child will evacuate his insides like a little Ebola baby.
For instance…
1) Diapers leak- The application of diapers is self explanatory right? You would think so, but unless you’re some NASA trained diaper expert, and honestly who is? then there’s a good chance you may fasten the diaper a tad loose or a tad crooked and oh boy, then the fun starts!
As you find out rather quickly, your baby’s feces resembles that of a regular patron of Taco Bell in that it’s consistency is more liquid than solid and it comes in odd colors. This liquid evil will find any space you leave between diaper and skin and make it’s escape and then it’s sayonara onsie! So long bedspread, I knew the well! And of course when you go to change this leaky diaper…
2) Ninja Pee- Your baby is a crafty and evil little imp hell bent on making your life 200% grosser than it was before he or she came into it. To this end, your child will use every sneaky way imaginable to urinate on you. This could be a simple as waiting until you open up a full diaper and unloading on you or as complex as spitting up all over his or herself and waiting until you get them undressed for bath time to spring the yellow geyser on you. Speaking of spitting up…
3) Constant Vomit- Your baby’s stomach is really small but your baby’s a glutenous pig and will ignore this. Whether feeding from the breast or the bottle, your baby will frequently drink more milk than he has room for.
This means that your baby will be throwing up more often than a 14 year old girl with body image issues. Get ready for the yummy smell of warm, partially digested milk because it will be in your clothes, the baby’s clothes, your hair, your bed, pretty much everywhere. The worst part about the whole spitting up situation is that it’s very unlikely that anyone is ever going to invent the face diaper. The only way that scientists have been able to get around the suffocation problem is by adding air holes, but that just gives the puke a way to get out thus defeating the purpose.
That should cover the body fluid portion of having a newborn. The only other one I can really think of is blood and if your baby is leaking an excessive amount of blood you need to GET OFF THE INTERNET and go to a goddamn hospital.
So enjoy your live action Garbage Pail kid and remember, all the gross stuff is worth it in the end. In a couple of years you get to put the little bastard to work around the house. FREE LABOR!

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