The Newborn Part 2: WHY ARE YOU CRYING???

Imagine that you wanted something, I don’t know, um…a beer. Now as soon as you attempt to get up to grab a beer you realize that your limbs don’t work the way you want them to and your head just flops around like a rag doll. You still want that beer right? Of course you do, you lush. So you attempt to call out to your wife/husband/kids to get you a beer but all that comes out of your mouth is garbled noises. Finally you can’t take it anymore because you want that beer damn it! so you start doing the only thing left that you can do, screaming at the top of your lungs. That’s how your baby feels! That’s why your infant is constantly bellowing forth a banshee wail that pierces your skull and makes you think twice about suicide, because it’s fucking selfish!
Your baby wants things. It wants things all the time. It wants food, it wants not to sit in it’s own waste, it wants to be cuddled, sung to, and rocked. Your baby wants all this and yet it can do nothing to indicate what it wants at any given time other then to scream at the top of it’s lungs at frequencies designed by Satan to perfectly find the part of your brain that keeps you from flipping out and strangle the shit out of it. It’s long been said that the reason that babies come out so cute is to keep you from killing them and truer words have never been spoken.
So what happens if you have tried every solution that you can think of and your baby still sounds like an air raid siren? What happens when you’ve fed the baby, changed the baby. burped the baby. and sung show tunes to the baby and it continues it’s assault on your sanity? The answer my friends is that there is no answer. This is the dark little secret of early childhood , sometimes your baby will cry for no reason, because,and I stress this, your baby is evil.
Oh it looks so cute and precious but guess what, Hitler was a baby too once. Kim Kardashian was baby once, as was Osama Bin Ladin. Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, and Ed Gein all started out as beautiful little bundles of joy. Am I saying that your baby is destined to grow up and become a dictator or serial killer?
Of course not, but after the first full month of listening to your baby screeching like a strangled cat the possibility won’t seem to far fetched.But hey, being the parent of a dictator or serial killer isn’t so .bad right? You’ll probably get a book deal out of it.


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