The Newborn Part 3: Sleep? What’s Sleep?

I vaguely remember the concept of sleep. I think it involves shutting your eyes and then opening them eight hours later right? Well my two month old baby doesn’t understand this concept. Or rather, he does but he’s got it ass backwards. My baby likes to sleep during the day for stretches of 2-3 hours at a time. Sounds great right? I could just nap when he naps? Yeah everyone says that but when you’ve been sleeping at night and waking up in the morning for oh, I don’t know, THIRTY THREE YEARS you’re kind of used to that schedule. Plus you know, I have stuff to do during the day. You know stuff like writing on the internet…and watching Netflix, House Of Cards isn’t going to watch itself.
I try to wake the kid up so that he will sleep at night but, nope, nothing short of an atomic blast will awaken this little vampire when he hits the coffin. I’ve tried calling his name, gently stroking his face, lightly shaking him, nothing works. This of course only applies to when I want him to wake up. At night when I finally get him to go to sleep and I want him to stay sleeping, that’s when the slightest creak of the mattress spring, or the smallest movement causes his eyelids to snap open and suddenly  he goes from down for the count to Uma Thurman after an adrenaline shot to the heart in Pulp Fiction. I So what exactly happens when your baby sleeps all day, occasionally waking up to eat and poop and throw up? Well I’m so glad you asked! You get a baby who is wide awake at 3:00 in the morning and a father who is scrolling through Youtube trying to find videos amusing enough to hold his attention when he’s going on two and a half hours of sleep.

So let this be a lesson kids: Don’t have sex….ever….seriously, just don’t, it’s not worth the risk.

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