I forgot the cardinal rule of diaper changing today: Have the next diaper unfolded and ready to go before even thinking about taking off the current diaper. Maybe I wasn’t as sharp as usual having had to deal with four separate incidences of projectile milk expulsion. Maybe I was still tired from getting up at 4:00am to start a new part time job. Whatever the reason I let my gaurd down and the ninja struck.
It took me second to realize what was going on when I started feeling my leg getting wet. By the time my slothlike reflexes kicked into gear it was too late.The bedsheet was soaked, my leg looked like something out of a porn involving water sports (I’m assuming…), and the baby and I were in desperate need of a shower. The icing on the cake though, had to be the self satisfied smirk on Graysons face. A smug little look that said “I can piss on you, I can throw up on you, anything I want and you can’t do a damn thing about it because I’m a baby. You’re totally my bitch”.
You probably think I’m paranoid right? How could a two month old baby actually be having those sinister thoughts? I don’t know, how do magnets work? Some things are just unexplainable. I swear if you saw his face you’d feel the same .
I suppose that I have no one but myself to blame really. I should know better by now. I choose to blame the baby anyways because he’s a baby and he can’t defend himself. Picking on those smaller and weaker than me is how I make myself feel like a big man and deal with my inferiority complex. Normally I would assume that everyone knows that I’m joking but seeing as how a few paragraphs ago I made a golden shower joke in the same sentence as the word “baby” I can see where some people wouldn’t be so sure. So yes, I was joking. I don’t pick on people smaller than me to feel like a big man.
I do it because it’s fun and I’m a jerk.