Posts Tagged With: diapers

Revenge Poop

Sometimes a bowel movement is so epic it needs to be forever preserved in print for future generations to marvel over. Today I witnessed such a bowel movement.
My wife was feeding the baby, I was eating breakfast all was right with the world.
Grayson gave a little grunt and a little toot and suddenly our world was thrown into a swirling vortex of chaos. This kid somehow managed to fire his colon cannon at such an angle that it flew right through the space between his diaper and his leg and landed on the couch…and my wife’s leg….and the babies leg…and the babies other leg. This was seriously the most explosive blast of liquid nastiness that I have ever had the misfortune of experiencing. I quickly took the little poop monster upstairs in order to clean the feces from his person. Along the way there were more casualties. My shirt got smeared with baby shit, some dripped onto the bathroom floor. I don’t know how a child that small could hold what appeared to be at least a gallon of shit inside his little tummy but somehow he did. The worst part? The little son of a bitch was smiling the whole time. I know, I know, a child of four months old can’t just decide to crap all over everything just to screw with Mom and Dad, but if a shark can follow a family from the east coast to the west in order to get revenge than an infant can poop on purpose. Okay so using Jaws The Revenge probably wasn’t the most sound way to get my point across but it was the first thing I thought of.

This time it's personal, the other times? That was just business.

This time it’s personal, the other times? That was just business.

So what would my four-month old son possibly want to get revenge for? Well, I may have given him a small ice chip to suck on yesterday just to see what how he would react and he may have made the funniest face ever and I may have laughed at him. If I had it all over to do again, shit or no shit, I still would. The kid really did make the funniest face like “Oh my god it’s so cold! What do I do? Oh it’s not cold anymore….” a perfect mixture of horror and perplexity. I regret nothing.

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Ninja Pee Strikes Again…

I forgot the cardinal rule of diaper changing today: Have the next diaper unfolded and ready to go before even thinking about taking off the current diaper. Maybe I wasn’t as sharp as usual having had to deal with four separate incidences of projectile milk expulsion. Maybe I was still tired from getting up at 4:00am to start a new part time job. Whatever the reason I let my gaurd down and the ninja struck.

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Just picture this guy peeing...or don't actually, that's kinda gross.

It took me second to realize what was going on when I started feeling my leg getting wet. By the time my slothlike reflexes kicked into gear it was too late.The bedsheet was soaked, my leg looked like something out of a porn involving water sports (I’m assuming…), and the baby and I were in desperate need of a shower. The icing on the cake though, had to be the self satisfied smirk on Graysons face. A smug little look that said “I can piss on you, I can throw up on you, anything I want and you can’t do a damn thing about it because I’m a baby. You’re totally my bitch”.
You probably think I’m paranoid right? How could a two month old baby actually be having those sinister thoughts? I don’t know, how do magnets work? Some things are just unexplainable. I swear if you saw his face you’d feel the same .

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I OWN YOU.

I suppose that I have no one but myself to blame really. I should know better by now. I choose to blame the baby anyways because he’s a baby and he can’t defend himself. Picking on those smaller and weaker than me is how I make myself feel like a big man and deal with my inferiority complex. Normally I would assume that everyone knows that I’m joking but seeing as how a few paragraphs ago I made a golden shower joke in the same sentence as the word “baby” I can see where some people wouldn’t be so sure. So yes, I was joking. I don’t pick on people smaller than me to feel like a big man.
I do it because it’s fun and I’m a jerk.

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The kind of jerk who dresses himself and his kid in matching outfits.

Categories: Parents | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The Newborn Part 1: Fun With Body Fluids!

So you’ve just had a new baby, congratulations! I didn’t know you enjoyed bathing in a mixture of regurgitated milk , shit and piss. What’s that you say? You don’t enjoy bathing in those things, and how dare I cast such aspersions on your character? Calm down there sailor, I’m just doing you a public service based on my own recent experiences with a newborn baby boy.
The one thing nobody seems to prepare you for is the amount of fluids that will be coming out of this demon-spaw- I mean precious angels various orifices. Oh, you know about dirty diapers, you’ve heard stories about baby’s throwing up at inopportune times but trust me, you don’t fully grasp the regularity with which your child will evacuate his insides like a little Ebola baby.
For instance…
1) Diapers leak- The application of diapers is self explanatory right? You would think so, but unless you’re some NASA trained diaper expert, and honestly who is? then there’s a good chance you may fasten the diaper a tad loose or a tad crooked and oh boy, then the fun starts!
As you find out rather quickly, your baby’s feces resembles that of a regular patron of Taco Bell in that it’s consistency is more liquid than solid and it comes in odd colors. This liquid evil will find any space you leave between diaper and skin and make it’s escape and then it’s sayonara onsie! So long bedspread, I knew the well! And of course when you go to change this leaky diaper…
2) Ninja Pee- Your baby is a crafty and evil little imp hell bent on making your life 200% grosser than it was before he or she came into it. To this end, your child will use every sneaky way imaginable to urinate on you. This could be a simple as waiting until you open up a full diaper and unloading on you or as complex as spitting up all over his or herself and waiting until you get them undressed for bath time to spring the yellow geyser on you. Speaking of spitting up…
3) Constant Vomit- Your baby’s stomach is really small but your baby’s a glutenous pig and will ignore this. Whether feeding from the breast or the bottle, your baby will frequently drink more milk than he has room for.
This means that your baby will be throwing up more often than a 14 year old girl with body image issues. Get ready for the yummy smell of warm, partially digested milk because it will be in your clothes, the baby’s clothes, your hair, your bed, pretty much everywhere. The worst part about the whole spitting up situation is that it’s very unlikely that anyone is ever going to invent the face diaper. The only way that scientists have been able to get around the suffocation problem is by adding air holes, but that just gives the puke a way to get out thus defeating the purpose.
That should cover the body fluid portion of having a newborn. The only other one I can really think of is blood and if your baby is leaking an excessive amount of blood you need to GET OFF THE INTERNET and go to a goddamn hospital.
So enjoy your live action Garbage Pail kid and remember, all the gross stuff is worth it in the end. In a couple of years you get to put the little bastard to work around the house. FREE LABOR!

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