This is something I wrote for another site that never got published…enjoy!
WHICH 80’S SLASHER MAKES THE BEST WINGMAN?
Pictue it, it’s last call at whatever club or bar you dragged yourself to this Friday. As you’re getting ready to go home alone… AGAIN, you can’t help but wonder if you would have had better results with a wing man. Then, because you’re a dork, you wonder which classic slasher movie icon would make the best wing man (no wonder you’re going home alone). Well wonder no more! I take important questions such as these seriously and as such have done an exhaustive analysis of each slasher and their strengths and weaknesses pertaining to the club scene. So let’s find out who’s “dead” on the dance floor and who “kills” when it comes to the ladies.
Freddy Krueger – AKA The Springwood Slasher
Pros: Freddy can be a funny guy and women like a guy who can make them laugh.
Women also love a guy with a tragic back story and Freddy‘s got that in spades. Once he opens up about his horrible childhood the chicks will be falling over each other to comfort him. Slip in a couple anecdotes about your less then stellar upbringing and the girls will be trying to nurse you both back to health like a couple of birds with broken wings.
Cons: Until Freddy starts calling them bitches and referring to them as meat. Yeah Freddy’s not the most respectful guy when it comes to women and that’s going to be a major turn off to most girls. Couple that with the fact that most of Freddy’s humor comes from one liners and puns and you’ve got a guy who wears out his welcome pretty quickly.
Bottom Line: Chances are that after a few drinks, the waterworks turn on and Freddy starts whining about how he never knew his dad. There’s a big difference between damaged and pathetic. Plus the dudes face looks like melted hamburger. Not a great choice of wing man.
Leatherface – AKA Jed Sawyer, Thomas Hewitt
Pros: Leatherface isn’t much of a free thinker so he’s definitely going to follow your lead and do whatever you say. Leatherface is very much like Lenny in Of Mice And Men, a little, shall we say touched? Pretending that he’s your mentally challenged brother or cousin will get you lot’s of sympathy with women. They will admire your willingness to take care of him and if you’re smart you’ll throw in a few tears and a “It’s just so hard sometimes”. Play it right and you’ve got yourself a ticket to Pantytown, population – You.
Cons: Look, throwing aside political correctness for a minute we all know that there are sweet lovable retards and then there are the retards that masturbate in public and eat their boogers. Leatherface is definitely a booger eating masturbater. He’s going to creep more chicks out than he draws in.
Bottom Line: Your best bet is to hook a woman as quick as you can and then get out of there before her sympathy turns to repulsion. If you can ditch Leatherface in the process, even better. Tell him some dude in the bathroom said his chainsaw was bigger or something.
Jason Voorhees –
Pros: Jason is the strong silent type and chicks just eat that up. Much like Freddy he also has a tragic back story but unlike hamburger face he isn’t going to cry about it all night. Jason has an air of mystery about him that will make girls curious. Also, he doesn’t eat or drink anything so you’re saving money.
Cons: Jason doesn’t talk much, as in at all, so you’re going to have to do all the talking.
Also he’s bound to smell pretty grody, like stale lake water and rotting flesh. Your chances of getting him to bathe before you go out are practically nil, he’s not a fan of water. You better hope the straps to that hockey mask are pulled tight because if that thing slips off, game over. One look at his rotted maggot infested puss is enough to send every girl in the joint running. Doesn’t dance.
Bottom Line: You better hope you find a nice tee-totaling virgin to take home, otherwise the next time you run to the bathroom to take a leak you’ll come back to find the skank you were chatting up impaled on a machete. Jason won’t say whether he did it or not, but we both know it was him.
Pinhead – AKA Elliot Spencer
Pros: Pinhead is a smooth talker, if you are into goth chicks or S&M you are going to be in heaven. Once Pinhead starts expounding upon the virtues of pleasure and pain and the nature of heaven and hell he’ll have his hooks into all the freaky chicks in the club….
Cons: Literally. Pinhead is a little too hardcore when it comes to the S in S&M. If you’re not into pain, too frigged bad. Pinhead is liable to turn any girls you’re interested in, into cenobites – physically twisted, gnarly abominations that reside in hell under his command.
Bottom Line: Pinhead will cock block you to the extreme. You’re best bet is to not bring him out in the first place but if you already made that mistake, try and close his stupid puzzle box as fast as you can before you get you’re skin ripped off and your nipples pierced.
Michael Myers –
Pros: Michael is a strong silent type much like Jason, However if Micheal’s mask comes off he’s got a normal looking face so he isn’t going to repulse any of the ladies.
Cons: Back story isn’t sympathetic, killed sister for no reason, trying to kill other sister for other no reason. Michael’s eyes are the devils eyes and his creepy staring will scare off any potential babes. Only kills hot young women…just like the ones you are looking to bang. He’s also got a scruffy old man following him around, total buzz kill.
Bottom Line: Myers should be left in the asylum where he belongs. He doesn’t do well around girls. As soon as the clothes come off, the knife comes out. And not his penis knife, a “knife” knife, in case there was any confusion.
Chucky- AKA Charles Lee Ray, The Lakeshore Strangler
Pros: He’s cute. The chicks are going to dig every corny one liner that comes out of his mouth because it’s always funnier when it comes from a toy/puppet/child. Have you seen the movie Ted? Chucky is Ted in this situation. All the girls are going to be fawning over him and he can be as nasty as he wants. They’ll just laugh it off with a “Oh, Chucky! You’re so bad.” Also, you’ll get major sensitivity points for being comfortable enough with your masculinity to own a doll.
Cons: Well, he is married but doll matrimony isn’t recognized in any state but Arkansas so stay out of Little Rock and you’re all set.
Bottom Line: We have a winner! Though he may fall behind his slasher movie peers when it comes to body counts or over all scariness, Chucky would make the perfect wing man. If you can manage to snag a hot single mother then that’s even better. Chucky will get to play hide the soul with little Tommy or Suzy which leaves you free to play hide the wiener with mommy. And not a hot dog weiner but your penis weiner, in case there was any confusion.