Posts Tagged With: poop

The Five Stages Of Shitting Your Pants

Here’s another one that didn’t have a home….

You’re alarm goes off and as usual you don’t get up until you’ve hit snooze at least six or seven times. Now you’ve got barely any time to get ready and certainly no time to make breakfast so you settle for leftover KFC and instant coffee. You proceed to chug both down like their going out of style as you jump in your rolling shitbox and hit the gas. You manage get to work on time, but at what cost? The grease from the KFC has lubricated your colon and the coffee is donkey punching you in the bowels. You rush to the bathroom but on the way you decide to let out a little gas to relieve the pressure…..only it’s more than a fart.
Congratulations, you’ve shit your pants! Now are you going to go home like a little sissy wimp and ask mommy to get you some fresh undies, or are you going to power through the day like a fierce warrior deity and make those soiled drawers your bitch?
Well since you’re not the one writing this scenario…

Step 1 Denial: As you take the walk of shame back to your cubicle there is a good chance that anyone with a nose (or in the case of Frank the custodian a nose hole) is going to catch a whiff of your sour trousers and start pointing fingers (or in Frank’s case, nubs) at you. Your best course of action at this point is to pretend that you have no idea what anyone is talking about. Play it off like you don’t notice the mixture of feces and sweat permeating the air. “What smell? Oh THAT smell, I have no idea. My new cologne maybe? Is my new cologne made of dog turds? Yeah Tom, it is. Do you feel smart now? You feel like a smart guy?”. Unfortunately, no matter how hard you deny it after a while even the dimmest crayon in the deck is going to realize that the bog of eternal stench is localized solely withing a two foot radius of you at all times. So now it’s time for….

Step 2 Anger: Your pissed off, and rightly so! No one enjoys shitting their pants and if they do then they are probably into some weird Japanese fetish porn. You’re angry that you have to walk around with shit in your pants all day and you’re angry because you smell like you got raped by a septic tank. Don’t hold it in, let your anger burst forth like the fiery lava ejaculate of Vesuvius. Mad at your boss because you haven’t gotten a raise in years? Go give that jackass a taste of your poop fueled ire! Mad that Judy from accounting keeps turning you down whenever you ask her out? Well too bad! You’re a grown man who shits his pants at work, what do you expect? Everyone else you can yell at though. However there is a chance that yelling alone wont do anything…

Step 3 Bargaining : Most likely by now someone has called security because they are quite literally sick of your shit. In an attempt to maintain even a shred of your former dignity you’ll probably start pulling out your wallet and offering all your co-workers $10 not to tell anyone else that you crapped your pants. By the time security comes you’ll be down to the expired coupon for a free Junior Frosty that you had tucked away behind your license. You offer it to the nice security men if they will let you exit the building in a dignified manor to which they will reply by grabbing you by the arms and dragging you out into the hall and down the stairs. Once they get to the front door Security will unceremoniously throw you out onto your ass. Ass you lie there shivering from the cold and asphyxiating on smell of your own waste…..

Step 4 Depression: By now you are probably so depressed that you’re quickly scanning the ground around you for anything sharp with which to sever your own jugular. How did your life come to this? Losing your job and any self respect you had because you have the intestinal control of a twitchy toddler with a belly full of Mexican food, walking around smelling worse than Swamp Thing on free Laxative day at the park. You’ll probably forever be known as The Fool Who Shat His Pants or TFWSHP so you might as well end it right here and now right? Not so fast, don’t start sawing at your neck with that ragged spoon just yet Paul Bunyan junior. Hold your tenuous grip on reality just a little bit longer because next comes….

Step 5 Acceptance : So you shit your pants, who hasn’t? We’ve all had that night of heavy drinking or that bout with food poisoning. We’ve all had that little trickle of chocolate syrup slowly make it’s way down our crack all the while smearing itself against the back of our underpants. No one likes to talk about the time that they’ve spent on skid row but anyone who tells you that they haven’t been there is a lying, commie bastard. Having the Hershey squirts is as American as apple pie. So don’t feel bad. Sure your underwear has gone from white to Khaki but wear those downtown browns with pride! Stand up tall and fan the rotting stench of decay that’s slowly bubbling up from your backside away as you proudly declare : “I shit my pants today AND I’M PROUD!”

Then go home and wash your ass and put on some clean underpants you filthy animal. Seriously, what kind of disease addled, degenerate mind thinks it’s a good idea to walk around all day with shit stains in their pants just because a humorous piece on the internet told them to do it? You’re disgusting.

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Categories: Parents | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Revenge Poop

Sometimes a bowel movement is so epic it needs to be forever preserved in print for future generations to marvel over. Today I witnessed such a bowel movement.
My wife was feeding the baby, I was eating breakfast all was right with the world.
Grayson gave a little grunt and a little toot and suddenly our world was thrown into a swirling vortex of chaos. This kid somehow managed to fire his colon cannon at such an angle that it flew right through the space between his diaper and his leg and landed on the couch…and my wife’s leg….and the babies leg…and the babies other leg. This was seriously the most explosive blast of liquid nastiness that I have ever had the misfortune of experiencing. I quickly took the little poop monster upstairs in order to clean the feces from his person. Along the way there were more casualties. My shirt got smeared with baby shit, some dripped onto the bathroom floor. I don’t know how a child that small could hold what appeared to be at least a gallon of shit inside his little tummy but somehow he did. The worst part? The little son of a bitch was smiling the whole time. I know, I know, a child of four months old can’t just decide to crap all over everything just to screw with Mom and Dad, but if a shark can follow a family from the east coast to the west in order to get revenge than an infant can poop on purpose. Okay so using Jaws The Revenge probably wasn’t the most sound way to get my point across but it was the first thing I thought of.

This time it's personal, the other times? That was just business.

This time it’s personal, the other times? That was just business.

So what would my four-month old son possibly want to get revenge for? Well, I may have given him a small ice chip to suck on yesterday just to see what how he would react and he may have made the funniest face ever and I may have laughed at him. If I had it all over to do again, shit or no shit, I still would. The kid really did make the funniest face like “Oh my god it’s so cold! What do I do? Oh it’s not cold anymore….” a perfect mixture of horror and perplexity. I regret nothing.

Categories: Parents | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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