Posts Tagged With: sleep

Sleep In Your Own Damn Bed!

My wife and I have a small bed. It’s really only big enough for two people. Throw a baby into the mix and you have to be a contortionist to get comfortable.  This is why I prefer for the baby to sleep in his crib but like most things in life I seldom get what I want.
When Grayson was born my wife decided to go the breastfeeding route.
“Oh that’s great!” you’re thinking, “it’s more natural and it’s better for the baby”. Yeah, no. What it is is cheaper than formula, all the other stuff is secondary.
Now one of the temptations of breastfeeding is for the mother and baby to fall asleep together. That way if the kid wakes up in a few hours you can just latch him or her back on and fall back to sleep. No muss, no fuss. Except again, tiny bed.
My wife pumps a lot so that I can feed Grayson when I’m watching him. This is perfect at night because I feed him sitting up so that I don’t fall asleep. Once he passes out I put him in his crib….where he promptly wakes up. So I take him out and wear him down until he passes out again. I can’t just let him cry because I live with my in laws and it’s not fair to them. Plus my wife has to get up at five so she needs her sleep.
So Grayson and I battle it out until he’s too tired to resist the crib. This might be 10:30, Midnight or like the other night 1:34 AM. I’m determined to get him to sleep in his own damn bed. I was winning the war until my wife took her vacation.
On her vacation she wanted to feed bubs from the bubbies as much as she could rather than have me bottle feed him. Fine. Except that tweedle G and tweedle Mom kept falling asleep together. I try to move him, he wakes up. I want to give him a bottle so I can put him to bed but she says no I’ll feed him. They fall asleep. I can’t win.
So the whole week mom and dad and baby makes three…in the bed. Finally she goes back to work but it’s like I’ve lost all the progress I made with Grayson. So I start over. Hence the 1:30 AM zonk out. Oh well, no one said parenting would be easy.

Besides, who could stay mad at those cuties?

Categories: Parents | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Newborn Part 3: Sleep? What’s Sleep?

I vaguely remember the concept of sleep. I think it involves shutting your eyes and then opening them eight hours later right? Well my two month old baby doesn’t understand this concept. Or rather, he does but he’s got it ass backwards. My baby likes to sleep during the day for stretches of 2-3 hours at a time. Sounds great right? I could just nap when he naps? Yeah everyone says that but when you’ve been sleeping at night and waking up in the morning for oh, I don’t know, THIRTY THREE YEARS you’re kind of used to that schedule. Plus you know, I have stuff to do during the day. You know stuff like writing on the internet…and watching Netflix, House Of Cards isn’t going to watch itself.
I try to wake the kid up so that he will sleep at night but, nope, nothing short of an atomic blast will awaken this little vampire when he hits the coffin. I’ve tried calling his name, gently stroking his face, lightly shaking him, nothing works. This of course only applies to when I want him to wake up. At night when I finally get him to go to sleep and I want him to stay sleeping, that’s when the slightest creak of the mattress spring, or the smallest movement causes his eyelids to snap open and suddenly¬† he goes from down for the count to Uma Thurman after an adrenaline shot to the heart in Pulp Fiction. I So what exactly happens when your baby sleeps all day, occasionally waking up to eat and poop and throw up? Well I’m so glad you asked! You get a baby who is wide awake at 3:00 in the morning and a father who is scrolling through Youtube trying to find videos amusing enough to hold his attention when he’s going on two and a half hours of sleep.

So let this be a lesson kids: Don’t have sex….ever….seriously, just don’t, it’s not worth the risk.

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