Posts Tagged With: stay at home dad’

Sleep In Your Own Damn Bed!

My wife and I have a small bed. It’s really only big enough for two people. Throw a baby into the mix and you have to be a contortionist to get comfortable.  This is why I prefer for the baby to sleep in his crib but like most things in life I seldom get what I want.
When Grayson was born my wife decided to go the breastfeeding route.
“Oh that’s great!” you’re thinking, “it’s more natural and it’s better for the baby”. Yeah, no. What it is is cheaper than formula, all the other stuff is secondary.
Now one of the temptations of breastfeeding is for the mother and baby to fall asleep together. That way if the kid wakes up in a few hours you can just latch him or her back on and fall back to sleep. No muss, no fuss. Except again, tiny bed.
My wife pumps a lot so that I can feed Grayson when I’m watching him. This is perfect at night because I feed him sitting up so that I don’t fall asleep. Once he passes out I put him in his crib….where he promptly wakes up. So I take him out and wear him down until he passes out again. I can’t just let him cry because I live with my in laws and it’s not fair to them. Plus my wife has to get up at five so she needs her sleep.
So Grayson and I battle it out until he’s too tired to resist the crib. This might be 10:30, Midnight or like the other night 1:34 AM. I’m determined to get him to sleep in his own damn bed. I was winning the war until my wife took her vacation.
On her vacation she wanted to feed bubs from the bubbies as much as she could rather than have me bottle feed him. Fine. Except that tweedle G and tweedle Mom kept falling asleep together. I try to move him, he wakes up. I want to give him a bottle so I can put him to bed but she says no I’ll feed him. They fall asleep. I can’t win.
So the whole week mom and dad and baby makes three…in the bed. Finally she goes back to work but it’s like I’ve lost all the progress I made with Grayson. So I start over. Hence the 1:30 AM zonk out. Oh well, no one said parenting would be easy.
image

Besides, who could stay mad at those cuties?

Advertisements
Categories: Parents | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m Back!

Hey guys and gals,

Long time no write. I’ve been busy trying to build up my writing resume by writing a lot of stuff for other sites and I fear that I have neglected my Dadventures duties. Worry not though constant readers, I have returned to you with new tales of child rearing!   The baby is no longer too fat to crawl. Grayson is now able to heft is gelatinous gut off of the floor and get up on his hands and knees. Unfortunately, a mobile baby is a dangerous baby. Gone are the days when I could just abandon the child on the floor with the Mickey Mouse Club and then go off and make a coffee and smoke a cigarette. Now I have to actually watch what he’s doing, what’s going into his mouth, what he’s managed to get himself stuck under. This parenting crap has turned into a full-time job.

On the older kid front, the teen and the tween cannot seem to breathe the same air without fighting about it. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad. Literally everything one does pisses the other one-off. “Jacob, stop singing, I hate your voice!” “Michael, stop throwing lit matches at me!”. But of course when I suggest that one of them  move away from each other they don’t. In fact, their mother and I decided that it might be good to take each kid separately for a week at a time this summer to get them away from each other. They both expressed their disdain for this idea quite vocally, “But, we want to be together!”. Brothers: can’t stand to be together, can’t stand to be away from each other.

Welp, I hope anyone following this blog didn’t leave due to lack of activity. I promise to try and write here more frequently. However if you find yourself jonesing for a ZackAttack, might I suggest you try reading some of these other articles that I have written for other sites?

http://www.soundonsight.org/robocop-versus-terminator-hc-two-cyborgs-enterone-cyborg-leaves/

http://www.soundonsight.org/robocop-1-brings-robocop-back-to-his-roots/

http://plarko.com/movies/1984-best-year-cinema/

http://plarko.com/movies/6-moments-star-wars-prequels-par-original-trilogy/

http://downrightupleft.com/movie-reviews/x-men-days-of-future-past-brings-back-bryan-singer-and-smoothes-over-all-the-continuity-problems-of-the-previous-films/

Thanks,

Zack

 

Categories: Parents | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Too Fat To Crawl

Recently Grayson discovered how to get off the bed. Basically he rolls onto his stomach, pivots until his feet are hanging over the side and just kind of throws himself back until gravity takes over. This also works for the couch.
I admire his ingenuity but there’s one big problem: once he reaches the floor he doesn’t know what to do. This kid is so close to crawling that it’s killing me. He moves his legs, he moves his arms, he just can’t get his gut off the floor. It would be cute if it wasn’t so sad. My baby is too fat to crawl. Its not his fault,  he has my genes I just didn’t expect his belly to hamper his mobility until at least six or so.
It’s not just his belly either. The rolls on his arms and legs make him look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. I’ve tried not feeding him but he just cries until I do. I asked my wife about switching him to low fat breast milk but she just gave me that look that she gives me whenever I fart in bed.
Maybe eventually his arms will be strong enough push that sumo belly up and off the floor but he’ll probably be walking by then, making crawling moot.
On the plus side all that padding means he doesn’t get to beat up when he does fall off the  bed.

image

Look at that fatty, food smeared on his face...

Categories: Parents | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Revenge Poop

Sometimes a bowel movement is so epic it needs to be forever preserved in print for future generations to marvel over. Today I witnessed such a bowel movement.
My wife was feeding the baby, I was eating breakfast all was right with the world.
Grayson gave a little grunt and a little toot and suddenly our world was thrown into a swirling vortex of chaos. This kid somehow managed to fire his colon cannon at such an angle that it flew right through the space between his diaper and his leg and landed on the couch…and my wife’s leg….and the babies leg…and the babies other leg. This was seriously the most explosive blast of liquid nastiness that I have ever had the misfortune of experiencing. I quickly took the little poop monster upstairs in order to clean the feces from his person. Along the way there were more casualties. My shirt got smeared with baby shit, some dripped onto the bathroom floor. I don’t know how a child that small could hold what appeared to be at least a gallon of shit inside his little tummy but somehow he did. The worst part? The little son of a bitch was smiling the whole time. I know, I know, a child of four months old can’t just decide to crap all over everything just to screw with Mom and Dad, but if a shark can follow a family from the east coast to the west in order to get revenge than an infant can poop on purpose. Okay so using Jaws The Revenge probably wasn’t the most sound way to get my point across but it was the first thing I thought of.

This time it's personal, the other times? That was just business.

This time it’s personal, the other times? That was just business.

So what would my four-month old son possibly want to get revenge for? Well, I may have given him a small ice chip to suck on yesterday just to see what how he would react and he may have made the funniest face ever and I may have laughed at him. If I had it all over to do again, shit or no shit, I still would. The kid really did make the funniest face like “Oh my god it’s so cold! What do I do? Oh it’s not cold anymore….” a perfect mixture of horror and perplexity. I regret nothing.

Categories: Parents | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Truth About School Concerts

Last night I dutifully attended my son Jacobs chorus concert with my wife and the baby. Despite the fact that my in laws would have been more than happy to watch Grayson for us, we chose to bring him anyway: he was part of the plan. An infant is the perfect tool to allow you to slip out of any function or social gathering that you are obligated to show up at but that you really want to leave as quickly as possible. Case in point: we got to the school, we made small talk with my ex, we sat through the ten minutes that the 5th grade was on stage and then we got the hell out of Dodge. No one questioned it because everyone knows how needy babies are. The fact that Grayson was being perfectly content and had eaten not that long ago was irrelevant.
I have a confession to make: I hate going to my kids sporting events and concerts. I will go of course, to show support for my children but I don’t have to enjoy it. I sound like a monster right? Please, no parents like going to these things they just don’t admit it. There’s a reason that they don’t put 8yr old playing baseball on TV, It’s as boring as watching shit dry. Seriously, little uncoordinated children running around after balls and tripping all over each other is not anyone’s idea of entertainment. The same goes for the concerts, 5th graders sing like 5th graders. They either look down at their shoes and warble off key or mumble softly to themselves in a barely audible fashion. No one is there because they want to be. If you didn’t have any kids, would you spend a night going see a little league game or watching a bunch of tweens badly reenact Glee? Of course you wouldn’t.
I go out of obligation but also because I’m investing in the future. I figure that if I sit through enough of these things when the kids suck, it will encourage them to keep doing it so that one day, maybe in High School, maybe in College, I’ll go to a recital or a concert and enjoy what I’m hearing. I have no doubt that both my kids are talented (the jury is still out on the baby) and one day that talent is going to shine through on a stage or screen. But for now I’m forced to endure the boring stuff they do. But that’s what smart phones are for right?

Image

Categories: Parents | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

May The Fourth Be With You

As a parent I know that one of my duties is to expose my children to Star Wars at an early age. Ok fine, as a GEEK parent I know that one of my duties is to expose my children to Star Wars at an early age. Ever since I can remember I’ve been a fan of that Galaxy far, far away. Some of my earliest memories are going to the video store (remember those? ) and renting the Star Wars films on VHS (remember those?).
Eventually my parents wised up and bought me the trilogy one xmas. 
My experience with Star Wars was bittersweet. I relished any opportunity to wave around a stick and make wooshing noises or to hold that same stick sideways and pew pew everything in sight. And oh the toys! I had action figures of every major player and several people and aliens that were on screen for mere seconds. I felt self conscious playing the Star Wars role-playing game at school during lunch. I winced with every roll of the dice wishing I was smart enough not to bring my obsessions out in public but knowing that I would always wear my geekiness, however awkward, on my sleeve for the world to judge.
And judge they did. Geek and nerd fandoms are in vogue right now but it wasn’t so long ago that reading comics would get you the stink eye from adults and laughter and cold hearted jeers from the “normal” kids.
So what does all this have to do with my kids? Well we all want our kids to enjoy the same things we do in fact at a very early age all our kids interests are dictated by us as they have neither the drive nor the opportunity to seek out other interests on their own. Some things stick. Some they leave behind when crafting their own identity. When my older boys were younger I bombarded them with Star Wars toys and clothes, videogames and of course movies. Some things were hits,  the videogames particularly the Lego ones did well. Some things didn’t do as well, the action figures got played with but not as much as I would have liked.
As the kids got older they developed their own interests. Michael is obsessed with Japan (manga, anime, sushi) and Jacob is into computers and Sonic the Hedgehog. Sure, they still “like” Star Wars but nowhere near as much as dear old dad.
And that’s the lesson I guess. Your children start out as fresh lumps of clay that you hope to mold into your own image but somewhere along the way they start sculpting themselves and the image starts straying from the original blueprint.
I now have a chance to do it all over again with Grayson. Though I know that ultimately he will grow up to like his own stuff….
image
I can’t help but introduce him to the classics.

Categories: Parents | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Sleeping Angels

I know a lot of parents make the joke that their kids are only angels when they’re sleeping, but beyond the  humorous implication that the rest of the time they’re evil little shits, there’s a lot of truth to this.  Angels in the romantic sense are perfect beings created before us imperfect humans. Beautiful and flawless, they give us something to aspire to. Sleeping babies are similar in that they are pure innocence. A blank slate not yet filled with dreams, desires, fears and hopes.
I think the term “I slept like a baby” has less to do with waking up every couple of hours having wet yourself and crying for milk, and more to do with sleeping a sleep devoid of stress from bills, mortgages, jerky bosses and the like.
Sometimes I just watch my kids sleep and a lump catches in my throat. I wish they could sleep like that forever but I know that soon enough they’ll start sleeping like adults. Adults look haggard while they sleep, worn out by another day just surviving. They furrow their brows, they click their teeth they display all manor of nervous ticks and anxious twitches. Adults toss and turn, looking tortured as they try to rest and forget about their troubles.
Babies and young children though look at utter peace while they slumber. A peace unbroken by the cynical adult world.
When I see sleeping children I really do see angels.

image

Categories: Parents | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Easter, Schmeaster

I’m not a religious person. As such Easter flummoxes me. Christmas I can put in a secular context no problem: A time of year for giving and family. Take out Christ’s resurrection from Easter and you get: Time of year for candy (though it’s not Halloween) and small gifts (though it’s not Christmas). This Easter was a particularly odd one for me. Being very tight on money right now I felt like it was a waste to buy baskets and grass for my two older sons so I just kind of handed them their candy. Neither kid believes in the Easter Bunny anymore and so it felt weird presenting them with cheap baskets full of plastic grass just so that there was something to put their candy in. Then there was the baby who at three months of age couldn’t care less what day it was. We got him a couple of stuffed animals, not that he can really play with them yet.

I feel bad because I feel like I should care about Easter but I really don’t. Even as a child I wasn’t very excited for Easter. For one thing, Easter never came with any good television specials. Oh they had a couple, there was the obligatory claymation one which I barely recall, and there was a Peanuts one that was highly inferior to The Great Pumpkin and A Charlie Brown Christmas. For another, it just felt like weaker Christmas. You get up in the morning kind of excited knowing that something will be in your basket, but you knew it wasn’t a new bike or a Sega Genesis (yes I’m old). Maybe it would be a single action figure, maybe a yo-yo, who knows. You only knew that it would be something small and inexpensive surrounded by chocolate. I know that I sound materialistic and  cynical but honestly, as a child did you really care about anything on Easter/Christmas/Halloween other than what you were getting? Children seem greedy but it’s only because they can’t process the value of family, or tradition until they get older.

I know that next Easter Grayson will be over a year old and we will pull out all the stops, baskets, bunnies, Easter bunny foot prints going from the basket all the way out the front door. Hell, I’ll probably even do baskets for the older boys just to maintain the illusion. Maybe I’ll feel differently then. Maybe, but for now I maintain my curmudgeonly stance: Easter, Schmeaster.

 

P.S.

I started writing this the day after Easter and just got around to finishing it today. In the time in between Grayson has fallen in love with the stuffed Lamb he got for Easter. Granted he usually just chews on him, but still he does it while gently holding him in the crook of his arm. It’s the first stuffed animal that he has shown any interest in and it’s so friggen cute. Maybe Easter isn’t useless after all.

lambo lambo 2

Categories: Parents | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sick Baby, Sick Daddy

I know I haven’t posted anything in a few days and there is a very good reason for that. My baby and I are sick. I’m pretty sure it’s nothing worse than a common cold for the both of us but it still sucks. 

Image

I mean I hope it’s just a cold and not some kind of Zombie virus…

I’m miserable so I can only imagine how miserable Grayson is. Oh, wait I don’t have to imagine it, I can see it. The poor little guy wakes up  snorting as he tries in vain to breath through his minute snout but as soon as he switches to mouth breathing the coughing starts. It’s a one-two punch of infant misery that I’m powerless to stop. Nothing makes you feel as ineffectual as watching your sick baby and knowing that there isn’t really anything you can do for him.

Image

Except to wrap him in a towel and put ice on his head like they did it in olden times.

I’ve always been a bit skeptical when it comes to cold remedies over the counter or home. Mainly this is because we learned back in Middle School that a cold was caused by a virus and that you couldn’t kill viruses.  

Image

I mean you or I couldn’t. Rambo probably could…Rambo could kill ANYTHING.

Ergo, any cold remedy is essentially relieving the symptoms a bit but otherwise doing nothing to the cold virus itself. That’s why NyQuil’s only real use is just to put you into a temporary coma and all the other crap it’s for is just window dressing. None of that matters anyway though because you can’t give almost anything to a child under six months and what you can is certainly not the good shit, as in the ” puts you to sleep so daddy can rest” shit. So I’m stuck just holding the little guy and comforting him as best as I can.

I know that I recently wrote about having to constantly hold the baby in https://zacksdadventures.wordpress.com/2014/04/11/look-ma-one-hands/, but usually I get a reprieve when he takes a nap. Not when baby’s sick. He falls asleep on me and the minute I move him he wakes up and starts crying. I can’t even make one of my usual flippant jokes about him being a whiner or needy because honestly, when any of us are sick, is there anything we want more than to just be held?  

Image

I mean besides a mountain of gold.

And so essentially, we both sit miserably on the couch just vegging. I can’t type while I’m holding him , and I can’t put daddies little sicky down because he needs comforting. Imagine being sick and not being able to bitch about it? Imagine being a GUY and being sick and not being able to bitch about it (yes ladies I am admitting for all of us what you’ve known for years: Men are the biggest babies when they are sick)?

image

Pictured: A sick male.

You’d go crazy suffering in silence. So…..we sit miserably on the couch and veg. It could be worse though, Netflix just added House and I just torrented obtained legally the first three seasons of Game Of Thrones so I can finally watch the show everyone’s been talking about…for the last three years. I know I’m late on this but, can you believe how messed up those Lannisters are? The brother and sister doing all that icky stuff together? And that Joffrey kid seems like a real snot. I hope he eventually gets what’s coming to him!

Image

That’s right you little turd! You just got Imp-slapped! RECOGNIZE!

 

Categories: Parents | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The New Dadventures Logo

The New Dadventures Logo

I tried my hand at designing a logo for my blog. If it sucks I’m sorry.

Categories: Parents | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Blog at WordPress.com.

Iridescentfox

There are no foxes here

Chris Brake Show Podcast

LIVE! Every Wednesday @ 8pm Eastern / 7pm Central on StrangeLabel.com

Storytime with John

Pull up and listen...I've got a funny one for ya...

LisaListed

The best things in life aren't things at all

HarsH ReaLiTy

A Good Blog is Hard to Find

DADVENTURES

A stay at home dad's honest observations, a no holds barred look into the ugly side of parenting with a humorous bent.

Line Of The Week

Miscellaneous Utterings From Best Friends

misplacedtalent2

Misplaced Thirty-aged Talent

kelzbelzphotography

My journey - The good, bad and the ugly

lifewallblog

For humanity, history, eternity.

Locust Battalion

This site is a compilation of poetic pieces written under the influence of life,pain, and good energy

Addicted to Quippsy

In the not-so-distant future, you'll wish you wrote down everything your kids said. Now's your chance!

The Daily Post

The Art and Craft of Blogging

The WordPress.com Blog

The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.

%d bloggers like this: