Posts Tagged With: stayathomedads

I’m Back!

Hey guys and gals,

Long time no write. I’ve been busy trying to build up my writing resume by writing a lot of stuff for other sites and I fear that I have neglected my Dadventures duties. Worry not though constant readers, I have returned to you with new tales of child rearing!   The baby is no longer too fat to crawl. Grayson is now able to heft is gelatinous gut off of the floor and get up on his hands and knees. Unfortunately, a mobile baby is a dangerous baby. Gone are the days when I could just abandon the child on the floor with the Mickey Mouse Club and then go off and make a coffee and smoke a cigarette. Now I have to actually watch what he’s doing, what’s going into his mouth, what he’s managed to get himself stuck under. This parenting crap has turned into a full-time job.

On the older kid front, the teen and the tween cannot seem to breathe the same air without fighting about it. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad. Literally everything one does pisses the other one-off. “Jacob, stop singing, I hate your voice!” “Michael, stop throwing lit matches at me!”. But of course when I suggest that one of them  move away from each other they don’t. In fact, their mother and I decided that it might be good to take each kid separately for a week at a time this summer to get them away from each other. They both expressed their disdain for this idea quite vocally, “But, we want to be together!”. Brothers: can’t stand to be together, can’t stand to be away from each other.

Welp, I hope anyone following this blog didn’t leave due to lack of activity. I promise to try and write here more frequently. However if you find yourself jonesing for a ZackAttack, might I suggest you try reading some of these other articles that I have written for other sites?




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Sleeping Angels

I know a lot of parents make the joke that their kids are only angels when they’re sleeping, but beyond the  humorous implication that the rest of the time they’re evil little shits, there’s a lot of truth to this.  Angels in the romantic sense are perfect beings created before us imperfect humans. Beautiful and flawless, they give us something to aspire to. Sleeping babies are similar in that they are pure innocence. A blank slate not yet filled with dreams, desires, fears and hopes.
I think the term “I slept like a baby” has less to do with waking up every couple of hours having wet yourself and crying for milk, and more to do with sleeping a sleep devoid of stress from bills, mortgages, jerky bosses and the like.
Sometimes I just watch my kids sleep and a lump catches in my throat. I wish they could sleep like that forever but I know that soon enough they’ll start sleeping like adults. Adults look haggard while they sleep, worn out by another day just surviving. They furrow their brows, they click their teeth they display all manor of nervous ticks and anxious twitches. Adults toss and turn, looking tortured as they try to rest and forget about their troubles.
Babies and young children though look at utter peace while they slumber. A peace unbroken by the cynical adult world.
When I see sleeping children I really do see angels.


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Dad I’m Thirteen Now, Can I Swear?

My son Michael officially became a teenager last December. He received his “Welcome To Adolescence” starter kit complete with acne, mood swings and the latest voice cracking technology.

He doesn't look happy about it either...

He doesn’t look happy about it either…

I started to realize that with Jacob only two years away from the same landmark birthday, I was pretty much screwed. I remember being a teenager and all the havoc that changing hormones can wreak on the body and mind so I was preparing for a stressful five or six years. What I hadn’t prepared for was Michael’s odd birthday request: “Dad, now that I’m a teenager can I swear?”. I had no answer prepared for this question because I had never conceived of such a question being asked. Who asks their parents if they can swear? Usually you start doing it in front of your friends when no adults are around in order to sound cool or act tough. Occasionally you might let a “Shit” escape around your parents and based on their reaction, you probably won’t swear in front of them again until you reach your twenty’s. Heck, I know people with children of their own that still won’t swear in front of their parents, yes mostly out of respect but some because they don’t want their kids to see Grandma bitch slap dad in front of them.

Do I have to wash your mouth out with Louisville Slugger?

Do I have to wash your mouth out with Louisville Slugger?

Michael must have sensed my puzzlement because he quickly specified ” Only, crap, hell, damn and sucks”. I had to hold back my laughter because I probably dropped my first f-bomb around ten and here this kid was asking permission to say “crap”. It actually made me proud that my kids didn’t swear. I wish I could say that it was from example but my ex-wife and I have slipped and said words we shouldn’t have in front of them more times than I can count. No I honestly think it’s because of all the adult movies they watch. “Wait” you’re saying,”It’s because of R-rated movies that they DON’T swear?”. Believe it or not, yes. I was raised on movies like Die Hard, RoboCop and A NIghtmare On Elm St. as a kid. Especially Nightmare On Elm St. My mom was a huge horror fan and as weird as it sounds, family movie night often contained beheading and disembowelings.

We watched this and we never set any janitors on fire.

We watched this and we never set any janitors on fire.

I ended up carrying on this tradition with my own kids with the caveat that if they ever repeated anything that they heard or saw on the screen they wouldn’t watch anything other than G-rated movies for the rest of their lives. So far it’s worked. Not only do they not swear but they’ve never gotten in trouble for fighting at school, never fashioned a glove out of knives and stabbed anyone. I’ve always felt that it isn’t violent movies or video games that lead to violence in real life, but rather parents who don’t properly put such media in prospective. My kids have never watched a movie or show I haven’t seen first and we always discuss the subject matter. I have always stressed to my children that the movies they watch and games they play are fiction. Good for entertainment, not good as life lessons.

I still had to come up with an answer for Michael. I felt so weird giving my son permission to swear but on the other hand I felt even weirder having a thirteen year old that never got a chance to say “This crap sucks”. In the end I gave my blessing for Michael to use the words “crap, hell, damn, and sucks”.  BUT only after a lengthy discussion on when and where it was appropriate to use such language ( which pretty much boiled down to not at school and not in front of your mother). The results that night were hilarious. It was like a dam had burst but the water didn’t know which way to flow. I kept hearing sentences like “The hell I didn’t play the crap out of that damn game!”. The best thing I can compare it to is in Star Trek IV (yes the one with the whales) when Spock tries swearing for the first time with equally hilarious results.

"I'm not sure you're saying that right" "The HELL I'm not"

“I’m not sure you’re saying that right” “The HELL I’m not”

So of course after all this Jacob asked if he too could swear now. I told him not until he turned 13 and he bought it. So I will conceivably be going through this awkaward exchange again in a couple of years. What a crappy damn suckfest that’ll be.

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Speaking Through Your Baby: The Guide To Passive Aggressive Ventriloquism

“Daddy, why aren’t I wearing any socks? My piggies are cold!”
My mother in law recently said this to me under the guise that my two month old son was complaining on his own behalf about having bare feet. She wasn’t fooling anyone. I am well aware of the extent of my child’s ability to express himself verbally and he has just barely reached the cooing and babbling stage. It’s more than likely that she was using her grandson as a tool for the devious purpose of criticizing my parenting without doing it directly. It was a good tactic and it worked. I didn’t feel half the resentment towards her that I would have if she had come out and said “The baby should have something on his feet, they are getting cold” to me directly. Nor was I as apt to argue (however weakly) that maybe Grayson liked having cold feet, just to avoid admitting any negligence on my part. And I certainly wasn’t going to call my little boy a meddlesome harpy and tell him to go back to Nag Island where all the Nag’s belonged. So I can understand why she did it. What bothers me is the potential for abuse in using an infant as a platform for passive aggression.
What starts out as innocent statements such as “Daddy, my clothes don’t match” or “Daddy, this onesie is getting too small for me” can easily evolve into “Daddy, get your lazy butt off the computer and change me, I smell like the leftover Taco Bell mommy ate last night before she fed me”.
What if heaven forbid, my wife gets involved as well? How long is it until I start to hear “Daddy you didn’t need that extra slice of pizza, you’re fat enough as it is”? Or “Daddy, were you just checking out that woman’s bum? Do you want to only see me on the weekends?”.
I wish I could say that I was above stooping to such lows when it came to interacting with the baby but I’m not. The minute my father in law comes home, do I greet him with “Hey Ralph, would you like to take the baby for a little while so I can finally have a few minutes to my self?”, I do not.
Instead I engage my infant son in a pseudo conversation, “Grayson, look Pa’s home! Do you want to go see Pa?” . This of course leaves my father in law with no choice but to take the baby because to refuse to do so would be rejecting the baby himself.
There you have it, I am raising my child in a household full of deceptive connivers who have no qualms about using an infant to further their own agenda’s. This poor kid has no chance.

If he could talk I'd like to imagine that it would be something like this.

If he could talk I’d like to imagine that it would be something like this.


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Please Stop Throwing Up – An open letter to my infant son

My baby spits up. A lot. Every time he eats, 88% of the milk eventually ends up on my shirt, on his shirt, on his mother’s shirt, on the bed, on the pillow and everywhere else he may be. We looked it up because at first it freaked us out . Turns out that we have what’s known as a “happy spitter” on our hands. Apparently, as long as the baby doesn’t seem bothered by his vomiting or in any pain then he’s fine and we just have to deal with it. And that’s fine. I knew having a baby was a lot of work. But when you have to change the baby’s outfit three times a day (not an exaggeration) it starts to get a little annoying. In fact the only reason that I slept in a milk stained t-shirt, and milk covered fleece pajama bottoms last night was because I was so sick of changing I just said screw it and decided to change in the morning.
That sound disgusting to you? If it does you either don’t have kids, or aren’t the parent who spends the majority of time with your kids. Trust me, you eventually become so worn down that you don’t care how you look or when the last time you washed was, you just become numb to hygiene. I love my son to death but he is without a doubt the grossest kid I have ever met. I would liken him to a human Garbage Pail kid. Maybe Pukey Pete? Vince Vomit? Seriously, it’s nasty. And a side effect of that whole “happy spitter” thing is that it always comes without warning. He will be smiling one second and then *myahhh* he just opens his mouth and the milk starts flowing. The smile doesn’t even disappear. I just don’t know what to do. Would you believe that the wife said sewing his mouth shut was a no no? That’s the only logical conclusion I came to too. Oh well. I guess I just keep doing laundry twice a day and praying that my son will soon stop his barrage of vomitus projectile milk.

Pictured here in a rare puke free moment.

Pictured here in a rare puke free moment.

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The Newborn Part 3: Sleep? What’s Sleep?

I vaguely remember the concept of sleep. I think it involves shutting your eyes and then opening them eight hours later right? Well my two month old baby doesn’t understand this concept. Or rather, he does but he’s got it ass backwards. My baby likes to sleep during the day for stretches of 2-3 hours at a time. Sounds great right? I could just nap when he naps? Yeah everyone says that but when you’ve been sleeping at night and waking up in the morning for oh, I don’t know, THIRTY THREE YEARS you’re kind of used to that schedule. Plus you know, I have stuff to do during the day. You know stuff like writing on the internet…and watching Netflix, House Of Cards isn’t going to watch itself.
I try to wake the kid up so that he will sleep at night but, nope, nothing short of an atomic blast will awaken this little vampire when he hits the coffin. I’ve tried calling his name, gently stroking his face, lightly shaking him, nothing works. This of course only applies to when I want him to wake up. At night when I finally get him to go to sleep and I want him to stay sleeping, that’s when the slightest creak of the mattress spring, or the smallest movement causes his eyelids to snap open and suddenly  he goes from down for the count to Uma Thurman after an adrenaline shot to the heart in Pulp Fiction. I So what exactly happens when your baby sleeps all day, occasionally waking up to eat and poop and throw up? Well I’m so glad you asked! You get a baby who is wide awake at 3:00 in the morning and a father who is scrolling through Youtube trying to find videos amusing enough to hold his attention when he’s going on two and a half hours of sleep.

So let this be a lesson kids: Don’t have sex….ever….seriously, just don’t, it’s not worth the risk.

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The Newborn Part 2: WHY ARE YOU CRYING???

Imagine that you wanted something, I don’t know, um…a beer. Now as soon as you attempt to get up to grab a beer you realize that your limbs don’t work the way you want them to and your head just flops around like a rag doll. You still want that beer right? Of course you do, you lush. So you attempt to call out to your wife/husband/kids to get you a beer but all that comes out of your mouth is garbled noises. Finally you can’t take it anymore because you want that beer damn it! so you start doing the only thing left that you can do, screaming at the top of your lungs. That’s how your baby feels! That’s why your infant is constantly bellowing forth a banshee wail that pierces your skull and makes you think twice about suicide, because it’s fucking selfish!
Your baby wants things. It wants things all the time. It wants food, it wants not to sit in it’s own waste, it wants to be cuddled, sung to, and rocked. Your baby wants all this and yet it can do nothing to indicate what it wants at any given time other then to scream at the top of it’s lungs at frequencies designed by Satan to perfectly find the part of your brain that keeps you from flipping out and strangle the shit out of it. It’s long been said that the reason that babies come out so cute is to keep you from killing them and truer words have never been spoken.
So what happens if you have tried every solution that you can think of and your baby still sounds like an air raid siren? What happens when you’ve fed the baby, changed the baby. burped the baby. and sung show tunes to the baby and it continues it’s assault on your sanity? The answer my friends is that there is no answer. This is the dark little secret of early childhood , sometimes your baby will cry for no reason, because,and I stress this, your baby is evil.
Oh it looks so cute and precious but guess what, Hitler was a baby too once. Kim Kardashian was baby once, as was Osama Bin Ladin. Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, and Ed Gein all started out as beautiful little bundles of joy. Am I saying that your baby is destined to grow up and become a dictator or serial killer?
Of course not, but after the first full month of listening to your baby screeching like a strangled cat the possibility won’t seem to far fetched.But hey, being the parent of a dictator or serial killer isn’t so .bad right? You’ll probably get a book deal out of it.


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The Newborn Part 1: Fun With Body Fluids!

So you’ve just had a new baby, congratulations! I didn’t know you enjoyed bathing in a mixture of regurgitated milk , shit and piss. What’s that you say? You don’t enjoy bathing in those things, and how dare I cast such aspersions on your character? Calm down there sailor, I’m just doing you a public service based on my own recent experiences with a newborn baby boy.
The one thing nobody seems to prepare you for is the amount of fluids that will be coming out of this demon-spaw- I mean precious angels various orifices. Oh, you know about dirty diapers, you’ve heard stories about baby’s throwing up at inopportune times but trust me, you don’t fully grasp the regularity with which your child will evacuate his insides like a little Ebola baby.
For instance…
1) Diapers leak- The application of diapers is self explanatory right? You would think so, but unless you’re some NASA trained diaper expert, and honestly who is? then there’s a good chance you may fasten the diaper a tad loose or a tad crooked and oh boy, then the fun starts!
As you find out rather quickly, your baby’s feces resembles that of a regular patron of Taco Bell in that it’s consistency is more liquid than solid and it comes in odd colors. This liquid evil will find any space you leave between diaper and skin and make it’s escape and then it’s sayonara onsie! So long bedspread, I knew the well! And of course when you go to change this leaky diaper…
2) Ninja Pee- Your baby is a crafty and evil little imp hell bent on making your life 200% grosser than it was before he or she came into it. To this end, your child will use every sneaky way imaginable to urinate on you. This could be a simple as waiting until you open up a full diaper and unloading on you or as complex as spitting up all over his or herself and waiting until you get them undressed for bath time to spring the yellow geyser on you. Speaking of spitting up…
3) Constant Vomit- Your baby’s stomach is really small but your baby’s a glutenous pig and will ignore this. Whether feeding from the breast or the bottle, your baby will frequently drink more milk than he has room for.
This means that your baby will be throwing up more often than a 14 year old girl with body image issues. Get ready for the yummy smell of warm, partially digested milk because it will be in your clothes, the baby’s clothes, your hair, your bed, pretty much everywhere. The worst part about the whole spitting up situation is that it’s very unlikely that anyone is ever going to invent the face diaper. The only way that scientists have been able to get around the suffocation problem is by adding air holes, but that just gives the puke a way to get out thus defeating the purpose.
That should cover the body fluid portion of having a newborn. The only other one I can really think of is blood and if your baby is leaking an excessive amount of blood you need to GET OFF THE INTERNET and go to a goddamn hospital.
So enjoy your live action Garbage Pail kid and remember, all the gross stuff is worth it in the end. In a couple of years you get to put the little bastard to work around the house. FREE LABOR!

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Welcome to my new blog. Lot’s of people write about their kids these days, whether on social media or in blogs but I’ve noticed a lack of content told humorously from a father’s prespective that exposes the darker side of parenting. As a stay at home father of three, a teen, a tween, and an infant I feel that I am more than qualified to bring a unique perspective to parenting that will hopefully be relatable and make you laugh as well.

So join me as I dive into the puke,poop, and hormonal imbalances that make parenting so much fun that you just want to smash yourself in the head with a brick at the end of each day.


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